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Writer's pictureSara-Jane and Steve Gage

Reparenting my Inner Child through how I raise my dog

"WOW! You are SO brave girlfriend!

I'm SO proud of you! I love you so much!"

I felt my stomach clench and my eyes instantly began to swell....

I swallowed hard.

"Yikes. Where is that emotion coming from?"

I wondered aloud, as I looked down, smiling slightly sad at Penny Grace who lovingly looked back up at me, wagging her tail as we walked around the Jefferson.


As an AuDHD person raised in a society that has encouraged disconnection from our emotions and our bodies, it often takes me a lot of intentional exploration to know what I am feeling and why, and so the swell of emotion was not new, but trying to place where it was coming from was.


Penny and I carried on, enjoying our morning walk together in the cool, crisp Fall air around the Tidal Basin.

As we continued to walk and I babbled on with the occasional praise to her:

"What a good girl you are!!

You are being SO brave.

(::Traffic noises are scary under an overpass ya know!::)

Nice nice work Penn...."

and then, it hit me:

This is how I wish I had been spoken to and treated as a child.


I am reparenting myself through how I raise my dog.


There was a time in my life where my internal dialogue was self-defeating, negative, fearful, and full of judgement, shame, and guilt. I had a lot of feelings and beliefs around who I "should be" and what was "right" and whatever I did was Never. Quite. It.

Even while working as a mental health therapist for many years and teaching others' tools and techniques to improve their own internal dialogue, I continued to struggle.


Each of us is born into generational cycles and traumas.

Some of us will evolve and break those cycles.


One of the most common complaints clients would share with me as a therapist was that their negative internal dialogue was extraordinarily distressing.

The idea of sitting with themselves and their thoughts was terrifying.

These internal thoughts and beliefs ranged from things like judgmental thoughts about themselves and others, to different fears and anxieties, to experiencing self-described internal bullying.


Our brains have evolved to keep us safe, resulting in looking for the 'worst case scenario' in things, leaning into judgements to assess risk and to maintain safety.

Unfortunately, this natural survival instinct coupled with the messages our parents/guardians and society gifted us in early childhood, influenced by their own traumas, fears, and judgements, becomes our own internal dialogue, informing our values and our belief systems, informing our perspective on others and the world, and influencing how we show up in our daily lives.


Like all cycles, this is another one that we can break!

We humans, like our dogs, are trainable, and our brains and nervous systems respond differently to different input.

Example:


If you start your morning with a Loving Kindness Meditation (one structured specifically to focus on love, kindness, and gratitude for self and others,) you are more likely to be able to see things to be grateful for, perhaps resulting in feeling more joyful and wanting to be kind to others you engage with.


If you start your morning watching the news, highlighting a series of pick pocketing crimes near you, you are more likely to feel suspicious of others, perhaps increasing your anxiety and making you want to isolate or avoid crowded areas due to how your mind was primed by the news story.


Another example:

People who fear planes/air travel often fear their plane crashing, believing this is more common than it is, because of the amount of attention given to plane crashes in the media when they do happen.


"Where our attention goes, energy flows."


So if we choose to focus on the fear of flying and everything that could go wrong, the fear and anxiety will gain momentum.

OR

we can choose to instead look up factual data proving plane crashes are actually extremely uncommon and educate ourselves on different ways to feel safe to increase our sense of empowerment.


As intentionally as we train our dogs, (by building secure attachment relationships with them, teaching them, supporting them when they struggle,) we can also train ourselves.

We have the opportunity and the responsibility to offer these kindnesses to ourselves as much as we do to our dogs...."You cannot pour from an empty cup" after all.

As often as we speak kind words to our 4-legged companions, we also have the opportunity to speak kind words to ourselves.

Like most things, speaking kindly to our dogs and to ourselves is a practice.


As I continue to work in therapy to reparent my inner child, nothing I have done has been more powerful and impactful than my work as a dog trainer.

With every dog I encounter, I have the opportunity to choose to see the best things about them, or the worst. I have the opportunity to speak kindly to them, offering support and giving space for their emotions, (ALL of their emotions,) or to suppress their emotions and speak sharply to them.

I have the opportunity to teach and lead with love, or to do so with fear, judgment, criticism, and ego.

I choose intentionally, every day, to lead with love and kindness, starting with the dogs, (and if you can't love and be kind to a dog, well, you've got some work to do friend...)

By leading and teaching the dogs and humans in my care, with love and kindness and enthusiasm for the journey together, I am able to extend these same kindnesses to myself more easily.


My internal dialogue has never been more friendly, curious, or kind as it has recently,

after training dogs (and their humans,) for several years.

Having the opportunity to look for the next right thing a dog will do, to be able to Mark and Reward that behavior, and to give my attention and praise to the good things they are doing, gives me the ability to see those things more easily as I become more practiced in spotting all of their goodness.

As I practice speaking kind words to Penny Grace and the other dogs I work with,

I find it is easier to speak kind words to myself.

To say (and believe) things like:

"You are doing the best you can with what you have."

Or "Emotions are hard! Let's slow down." and giving time and space for the feelings.

Or "Wow! You are being SO brave. That's really hard, huh?" and validating the challenge before us...

Giving my dogs these gifts has also enabled me to give myself these gifts.


It is my sincerest desire for ALL dog guardians to give themselves AND their dogs these gifts as well.

The gift of trusting in another, in knowing they will be there consistently, unwaveringly, in their support and guidance.

The gift of kind words, space to process big feelings, and the knowledge that all feelings are valid and welcome.

The gift of knowing what to expect, knowing predictability, consistency, and unconditional love.


One of the easiest ways to start working towards better mental health is to look for the good and to bask in the good feeling thoughts that come up within you when you give your attention to those good things.


One of the easiest ways to train our dogs, (and our human brains too,) also happens to be to give attention to the good things, to Mark and Reward them enthusiastically, and to keep creating momentum by looking for the next good thing.


Try this exercise:

Set out 50-100 pieces of kibble and/or treats at the beginning of the day.

Catch your dog doing good things that you can Mark and Reward, aiming to finish up all of the treats by the end of the day.

These good behaviors might be things like: Waiting to exit a door by offering eye contact and checking in.

Coming to you to check in without being called, (inside and/or outside.)

Laying down.

Sitting.

Walking nicely.

Giving eye contact.

Refraining from jumping/ keeping 'four on the floor'


At the end of the day, notice how it felt.

Can you challenge yourself to double the amount of kibble/treats and opportunities to look for good behavior tomorrow?


I personally handfeed Penny Grace 50-75% of all of her meals by doing this exercise, every single day. (For dinner, she eats out of a puzzle bowl, snuffle mat, lickmat, puzzles, or some other form of enrichment she has to work at.)


By always looking for good behaviors to capture and reward, you will more easily be able to spot the good in your life in other areas.

If you also choose to use enthusiastic kindness when rewarding and praising your dog, you will also likely notice your internal dialogue will begin to shift.


Some of my favorites are: "What a good decision!!"

"Wow! That is so brave." "Good work!! What a good job you're doing!!"

"Woohoo!! Good! Good! Good!" "You are working SO hard!! What a good job you're doing!"

"WOW! I am so proud of you!! Look at you doing it!"

"You are the best! Look at you go!"


Does it sound silly?

Maybe.

Does it work? YEP.

Don't believe me? Try it out and prove me wrong.

I can't wait to hear how it goes. ;)







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